Warrior-dolphins: surfers should be Hellenized

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By Jason Lupus and Brendan Heard


Surfing in Europe, particularly in the Mediterranean countries, should become actively Hellenized, aesthetically and spiritually, and integrated with a Hellenic-mythical world view. This would involve ennobling the athletes to the status of hoplite-dolphins; bolstered in paintings, mosaic, and sculpture. These would depict surfers alongside ocean Gods, titans, nymphs, hyppocamps, and other supernatural maritime beings.

A retro-futurist 80’s metal warrior-aesthetic should be integrated with this elevation, so that when on dry land the surfer is treated as a kind of electric barbarian sorcerer. Hoplite-dolphins who excel at sea should be granted all their land-based needs without question (women, healthy food, retro-futuristic vehicles). Though they will maintain strict spiritual codes limiting waveless land-living, preferring the primal hardships of the sea.

Thus should we pray to Neptune, Earth-shaker, in offerings and sacrifices, for an aristocratic Caesar who is also a skilled surfer. So that he might demonstrate to us, his people, the breadth of his virtus in the surfing of perilous and monstrous waves. Waves which crash back into the brine thunderously, like the hooves of Neptune’s chariot-horse, churning up sand and nutrients. May he honor Neptune with his Olympian surfing skills and sacred reverence for the holy waters. May we not trust any leader, whatsoever, who cannot display any kind of Olympian virtus for his people.

May classical statues of him be erected, sculpted in solar salute, with a golden laurel wreath placed upon his head, and a Hellenized surf board by his side. And with luck, in time, people will give prayers to Neptune, and Atlantean kings, spoken in Greek or Latin, before they surf the sacred waters.

May California, with its junkie surfer culture of irreverence towards great Neptune, be swallowed up by the earth.

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